20 February 2007

Cup's Tips on Moving

Now that my move is complete, I’m ready to share the bits of relocation wisdom and insight I picked up during the last six weeks of hell.

Don’t leave your favorite neighborhood for a good deal. That’s what I did in 2005, and I regretted it every damn suburban day. I’ve already had more visitors at my new place than I did in my two-plus years in the ‘burbs.

Pick your new beaux wisely. A man who works at a large paper company is the perfect mate during moving season. He’ll keep you stocked in boxes of all shapes and sizes. If you’re lucky, he’ll be kind enough to come by and help on his way home from work. Make sure the other beau has a van and the ability to make you laugh when you do something stupid. Because you’ll do stupid a lot.

Lift with your legs, not your back. Especially if you’re at the end of fortysomething. I pulled it. I strained it. I pushed it to its max. I’m still hobbling … and facing the fact that I’m no longer a spry young thing. (Note to self: If you use the word “spry,” you said goodbye to young a long time ago.)

Toss it. If you come across a box that hasn’t been opened since the last time you moved, dumpster the sucker. That sundress you wore on your first date with Dan in 1995 is a decade out of style, and who are you going to show it to anyway? (Magazines with R.E.M. on the cover are exempt from this rule. Forever.)

Forget short skirts for the next three months. You know you’re going to stumble and fall and slide across the floor many times, so those scabbed, rug-burned knees ain’t gonna be pretty for a while. Buy a new box of those large Band-Aids and have plenty of Neosporin on hand.

Beware of natural gas. When lighting the gas fireplace, remember that it’s lit match first/gas key second — and only light a fire when you’ve had plenty of rest. Thanks to an unfortunate process backasswardness after three hours of sleep, I am now sans eyelashes and the first row of hair. Have to admit, though, that the moment my face was engulfed in blue flames was pretty cool; it reminded me of the melting Nazi at the end of Indiana Jones.

Speaking of utilities. Be sure you’re out on the last day of your electric service; it’s no fun moving in the cold and dark of January.

Budget wisely; you're about to go Target-broke. You know you’re going to go in there every time you move a load into the new place, so start saving those pennies and quarters now. Who wants to move the old mop to the new place when that Michael Graves one is so cute? You might want to put some of those dollars toward Target stock since you'll be upping their profits for the quarter.

And, finally … Avoid moving at all costs.

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18 Comments:

At 2/20/2007 10:16:00 PM, Blogger Scrivener said...

Some good advice there, although I have to admit that I like moving. But the face engulfed in blue flames? Yeah, avoid that.

 
At 2/20/2007 10:28:00 PM, Blogger barista brat said...

sorry for the pain you dealt with while moving, but it made for a super funny blog post!

glad you're having fun at your new place!

 
At 2/20/2007 10:40:00 PM, Blogger Dale said...

Beware of all kinds of gas! Welcome home Beth.

 
At 2/20/2007 11:30:00 PM, Blogger Bubs said...

YOW!

Between the flames and hair-singeing, and the "scabbed, rug-burned knees" I got an idea for your next Little Miss Sunshine-type online pageant. Invite all your readers to send in photos of their household injuries and compare them with yours.

 
At 2/21/2007 03:14:00 AM, Blogger Beth said...

SCRIVENER: But the blue flames looked really cool ...

BRAT: I'm glad there's pleasure for you in my pain!

DALE: I am a lady. The only natural gas I come in contact with is supplied by Scana, sir.

BUBS: It wouldn't be a fair competition; I'd win every damn time. Sadly, yes. I should have uploaded the photo of my scabbed, rug-burned knees, shouldn't I?

 
At 2/21/2007 08:13:00 AM, Blogger Jeremy said...

I've already told Shannon that I'll sooner burn our house to the ground and rebuild on the same lot before I move again. And I go through our storage room every winter to make sure I get rid of the "just in case" boxes before they take over.

Glad to hear you're back to Happy town.

 
At 2/21/2007 08:53:00 AM, Blogger Tenacious S said...

Yeah, I was thinking sounds like Little Miss Sunshine Moves should have been the title to this post. Well, they make glue on eyelashes and Neosporin works wonders. Sounds like you escaped permanent scarring. Get yourself to a good chiropractor is my only advice. One that has physical therapy and massage people on staff. Mine does and it rocks!

 
At 2/21/2007 12:46:00 PM, Blogger Old Lady said...

I would just as soon be beat to death than move ANY more!

 
At 2/21/2007 04:22:00 PM, Anonymous rcofchs said...

After the flame incident you can better relate to how IHOP aka Twan felt the day the bic lighter trick failed in home room.

 
At 2/21/2007 05:13:00 PM, Blogger Grant Miller said...

Are you dating Jim from Dunder-Mifflin. I should have known...

 
At 2/21/2007 05:22:00 PM, Blogger Beth said...

JEREMY: I’m good with flames, so I’ll come by for the house-burning. Give me some time to get some eyelashes back, though.

TENACIOUS S: One of the beaux gave me a gift certificate for an hourlong massage … which I plan to put to good use next week.

OLD LADY: I hope to stay here for a very long time.

RCOFCHS: You’re so Mr. CHS …

GRANT: I told y’all Dunder-Mifflin Jim was my type …

 
At 2/21/2007 06:18:00 PM, Blogger bigshoulders said...

I'm gonna have to tag this entry for referral when the day comes for me to relocate.

You're so right about not leaving your neighborhood for a good deal... I wish I hadn't done that 3 years ago. I might add to that, don't buy a house thinking of the money you'll save on not paying city taxes. That commute from the country to the city will be 10x greater the cost (and more.)

Glad to see you're back!

b.s.p.

 
At 2/21/2007 09:58:00 PM, Anonymous m said...

nice floors! too bad there are so many boxes covering them...

 
At 2/22/2007 12:54:00 AM, Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...

First- It takes two or three times to learn about gas fireplaces, but no more than three or you'll wind up looking like a baddie from a movie like "The Hills Have Eyes."

Second- Ooooh, you a classy cup, aren't you? All B & W art and not a Nagel or Kincaide in sight ; )

Third- I'm glad to see someone else who loves Tar-zhay (Target) too much. They're getting better at seperating folks like us from our money, under the guise that we're saving money.

 
At 2/22/2007 12:57:00 AM, Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...

I meant "you're a classy Cup," I'm knot n editour.

 
At 2/23/2007 01:44:00 AM, Blogger mellowlee said...

Ohmygod Beth, *tears in eyes* Im soooo glad you are BACK!!!!! :O)

 
At 2/23/2007 09:19:00 AM, Blogger Coaster Punchman said...

I'm with you on the "toss it" thing. But here's my quandary: I have a huge box of "keepsakes" for things that are too sentimental to be thrown out. But what am I ever going to do with this box? The truth is I never open it. When am I ever going to open it? In 20 years am I going to decide to sit down for one day and look at all this junk?

 
At 2/23/2007 02:48:00 PM, Blogger Beth said...

BIG SHOULDERS: You definitely need to be in the city. I was just three miles into the 'burbs, but it was three miles too far. (P.S. I'll hit your blog this weekend for that tag.)

M: See, the boxes keep the floors from getting scratched ...

WRITE PROCRASTINATOR: Sad thing is, that fireplace was at the old place, so I knew better. And glad your eagle eye caught my great artwork; this chick hates Nagel.

MELLOWLEE: So good to be back; hope you're doing okay. I've been thinking about you.

COASTER PUNCHMAN: Tell you what: Let's get together for cocktails in April 2011 and share our boxes.

 

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