Dork-a-thon 2007

Is this the Year of the Dork?

Coaster Punchman has been chronicling the dork-lights of his life. The Pug’s Marni recently shared one of her more graceful moments. That adorable Frank at Simarco Letters thinks he’s King Dork.

They’re amateurs. Time for the Master Dork to chime in.

I was born part Irish, part dork. Need photographic proof? That’s me in the spotlight during last fall’s Little Miss Sunshine Online Pageant — and that’s me in the corner. I was, obviously, voted Most Likely to Dork.

I was awarded the dork black belt for my brush with Prince Albert greatness and the unfortunate barista flirting incident.

But the dorkiness doesn’t stop there. Not even close.

Air Travel, Cup Style and last summer’s class flash helped me earn me my PhDork. And, of course, there’s my spectacular slide across the Publix produce floor. Who didn’t ooh and ahh the eyelash bonfire during my move?

There’s the time I had our group’s eight tickets for a Bonnie Raitt/John Prine show. My crowd arrived at the amphitheater that warm Saturday night … only to discover our tickets were for Friday. A bit of whispered dork charm and tears hidden from my pals — and the luck of having lawn, not reserved, tickets — and the nice Chastain ticket man let us in. I don’t think any of the eight ever knew I screwed that up.

And then there’s this embarrassing gem:

I rest my case. I could go on and on (and on ... and on ... and on), but even a dork needs her beauty sleep. And I need to stop before I share the embarrassing stories.

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Cup's Tips on Moving

Now that my move is complete, I’m ready to share the bits of relocation wisdom and insight I picked up during the last six weeks of hell.

Don’t leave your favorite neighborhood for a good deal. That’s what I did in 2005, and I regretted it every damn suburban day. I’ve already had more visitors at my new place than I did in my two-plus years in the ‘burbs.

Pick your new beaux wisely. A man who works at a large paper company is the perfect mate during moving season. He’ll keep you stocked in boxes of all shapes and sizes. If you’re lucky, he’ll be kind enough to come by and help on his way home from work. Make sure the other beau has a van and the ability to make you laugh when you do something stupid. Because you’ll do stupid a lot.

Lift with your legs, not your back. Especially if you’re at the end of fortysomething. I pulled it. I strained it. I pushed it to its max. I’m still hobbling … and facing the fact that I’m no longer a spry young thing. (Note to self: If you use the word “spry,” you said goodbye to young a long time ago.)

Toss it. If you come across a box that hasn’t been opened since the last time you moved, dumpster the sucker. That sundress you wore on your first date with Dan in 1995 is a decade out of style, and who are you going to show it to anyway? (Magazines with R.E.M. on the cover are exempt from this rule. Forever.)

Forget short skirts for the next three months. You know you’re going to stumble and fall and slide across the floor many times, so those scabbed, rug-burned knees ain’t gonna be pretty for a while. Buy a new box of those large Band-Aids and have plenty of Neosporin on hand.

Beware of natural gas. When lighting the gas fireplace, remember that it’s lit match first/gas key second — and only light a fire when you’ve had plenty of rest. Thanks to an unfortunate process backasswardness after three hours of sleep, I am now sans eyelashes and the first row of hair. Have to admit, though, that the moment my face was engulfed in blue flames was pretty cool; it reminded me of the melting Nazi at the end of Indiana Jones.

Speaking of utilities. Be sure you’re out on the last day of your electric service; it’s no fun moving in the cold and dark of January.

Budget wisely; you're about to go Target-broke. You know you’re going to go in there every time you move a load into the new place, so start saving those pennies and quarters now. Who wants to move the old mop to the new place when that Michael Graves one is so cute? You might want to put some of those dollars toward Target stock since you'll be upping their profits for the quarter.

And, finally … Avoid moving at all costs.

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