12 August 2006

So, Today I’m Sad

I had my last meal with my dad a year ago this evening. Chik-Fil-A, which I picked it up on my way to visit him and Mama. During that dinner, OM kept talking about us going to the mountains for his birthday at the end of the month. But he died on Wednesday. I haven’t had a day since when I didn’t feel sad and lost. Do you ever get over it? I was lucky to have such a good man as a father. I just wish he was still here, reading my writings, laughing at my silly jokes and puns and stories, and loving me unconditionally.

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11 Comments:

At 8/12/2006 01:50:00 PM, Anonymous renae said...

I don't think we get "over" it, I think we just get "through" it to a point where we can remember without being sad. The love is still there, just not in concrete form, but we depend so much on physicality that it hurts to feel that break.

I can't but help thinking how cool it is that your dad was getting to eat Chik-fil-a as one of his last meals and that he was able to eat it. That's called "good livin' to the end". What a great daughter you are to have brought him such a tasty treat.

extra hugs and kisses for you all week.

 
At 8/12/2006 02:02:00 PM, Blogger Beth said...

OM loved his Chik-Fil-As, so I was glad to bring a bag.

Ugh the pain. But, as you once told me during a highly dramatic moment, it may hurt, but at least you know you were deeply loved. Right? I keep holding on to that thought.

 
At 8/12/2006 02:17:00 PM, Blogger Mary said...

My mom passed 1 year ago August 1st and I can tell you it still hurts. They say it gets easier, but I haven't seen evidence of that. I lost my dad in 1989 when I was freshly in my 20's and it was nothing like this in spite of my closeness to him, too. Losing mom meant all parental covering was gone. I feel like an alien, suddenly dropped on this planet and told to survive without any history. Anyway, I know the pain has to end at some point. One thing I've learned about life is that it never stays the same. Never. It changes, progressing and regressing, but changing. I know your pain and I am sorry for it. Maybe you will come out of this stronger in some sense of the word. I know you will.

 
At 8/12/2006 02:25:00 PM, Blogger Old Lady said...

My father died a year ago on September 1. Though I do miss him, I miss more of what our relationship could have been. My parents divorced after 28 years of marriage and he immediately remarried a woman who did not care for me and my brothers. I missed forming an adult relationship with him due to their blocking me and my siblings from their circle. The past 26 years has been painful with alot of drama among my mother, father & his wife. You are fortunate that your parents remained together and that you had a loving and giving relationship with your father. That is what makes you the poised, self-confident person that you are today. Your gift from him is that unending love and support that you are able to pull around you for comfort in times like these.

 
At 8/12/2006 02:35:00 PM, Blogger barista brat said...

beth, i'm sending you hugs.

i'm sorry for your loss, but as you posted earlier - you know you were deeply loved.

i'm sure he's looking down on you, happy that you continue to be a wonderful person who is gifted at touching those around you, as well as those you haven't even met in person yet!

 
At 8/12/2006 04:42:00 PM, Blogger Beth said...

MARY: Thank you for your thoughtful, kind words. I know I'll come out stronger -- I already sense change in my soul -- but I hate the process of getting there. At the same time, I've had friends who have lost a parent in the last couple of years, and they felt little. That, to me, is more heartbreaking.

OLD LADY: Thank you; I'll take that compliment. My confidence, I'm sure, is derived from the unconditional love I got from both parents. I am lucky to have had that strength in my life. (And curses on that stepmother; any person who separates a parent from children should go straight to hell.)

BRAT: I feel those hugs. And I look forward to meeting you when I travel your way this fall!

 
At 8/13/2006 09:08:00 AM, Blogger Ben said...

Like you Beth, I lost my Dad last year.

I think about him everyday and the hurt doesn't go.

The one thing I am so reassured by, is that I got to tell him repeatedly that I loved him.

 
At 8/13/2006 12:02:00 PM, Blogger Dale said...

Beautiful tributes and words from all of you.

 
At 8/13/2006 03:02:00 PM, Blogger Marni said...

I know he is looking down on you and beaming that sweet, sweet smile. The pain will lessen in time. Just keep remembering the fun, love and laughter you guys shared. You were indeed very lucky to have a dad like my Uncle!

 
At 8/13/2006 09:36:00 PM, Blogger Beth said...

BEN: I'm lucky that way, too. So glad I told him I loved him every time I saw him, and he told me.

DALE: Looks like I struck a chord, huh?

MARNI: He was a good one, wasn't he?

 
At 8/26/2006 01:36:00 PM, Blogger nancy said...

I don't believe we ever really get over it, it just gets different. You have strong memories, it helps. Thoughts & prayers to you.

 

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