07 June 2007

Don’t Suck up to Squirrels

I’ve long considered Write Procrastinator my West Blog Coast doppelganger. We find humor and irritation in the same things, we love quoting R.E.M. lyrics, we write procrastinatedly, we think we’re a cup full o' fun.

But the boy let me down this week. Seems he thinks we should suck up to squirrels, flatter ‘em, tell ‘em they’re cute, so they won’t attack us. My buddy has caved to the pressures of the rodent lobby.

Let me make myself clear:

Squirrels are not cute.
They’re rats in thicker coats.

There are no cute rodents. Rats and mice, chipmunks and moles, gophers and squirrels: N-A-S-T-Y. Grant Miller’s recently deceased gerbil? Sorry to the grieving Millers, but it was vermin, too. They’re creepy and disgusting, with beady eyes and sharp, tiny teeth.

Prairie dogs are kind of cute, though. Morocco Mole’s a maybe … but Secret Squirrel will get nothing from me.

Don't waste time sucking up to dirty creatures so they’ll stay out of our birdhouses, away from our toes, off the roof. Just shoot ‘em. That’s what BB guns are for, right?

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25 Comments:

At 6/07/2007 08:48:00 AM, Anonymous HollyC said...

Amen! They are eating my HOUSE and are impossible to remove! If they would just stay outside where their furry little butts belong, then they might be a little cute. But they have declared war....

 
At 6/07/2007 08:53:00 AM, Blogger Dan said...

No! You're wrong! Squirrels are cute!! Rats are actually kind of ... cute ... too ... OK, maybe not. But squirrels are.

Except when they get in your attic and you can hear them pitter-pattering around up there. And then my cat gets all excited and runs around the house looking up at the ceiling.

OK, so that kind of sucks.

 
At 6/07/2007 09:16:00 AM, Blogger Keith Kennedy said...

They're nothing but rats and all they do is eat, eat, eat.

But they are good fried and then dipped in ketchup!

 
At 6/07/2007 09:35:00 AM, Blogger Tanya Espanya said...

I am so over all these crummy little animals. Here in the city we're overrun with squirrels and raccoons. At least the raccoons have cute faces. And hands. They're like people. But I'm tired of listening to them and looking at them...grrrr!

I also like ketchup.

 
At 6/07/2007 10:49:00 AM, Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...

"Just shoot ‘em. That’s what BB guns are for, right?"

Wow, my jaw just hit the keyboard. Um, you saw "The Birds," right? Just remember, there are plenty of trees in Atlanta and to keep your head on a swivel, they know where you live.

BTW, also beware of the Squirrel Lovers And Protectors, or "S.L.A.P." They are run by a one S. Nutkin Esquire and they are known to be litigious bunch of nuts.

 
At 6/07/2007 12:26:00 PM, Blogger Beth said...

HOLLYC: We were raised right in Vinings, weren't we? Those nasty-a**ed rodents better leave your lovely home alone. Sick Duke on 'em.

DAN: It creeps me out when I hear squirrels in the attic, their little nails click*click*clicking. And I'm always afraid they're going to chew wire and burn my house down.

KEITH KENNEDY: I'm gonna take your word on that gastronomic pleasure.

TANYA ESPANYA: I knew you'd be on my side. I like ketchup, too.

WRITE PROCRASTINATOR: I'll slap those SLAPs down, boy.

 
At 6/07/2007 01:14:00 PM, Anonymous m said...

oh, cup --i am so disappointed in you....this reeks of speciesism. get thee to a sensitivity class!

 
At 6/07/2007 01:20:00 PM, Blogger Beth said...

My dear M: I'm a loving, open-minded, open-hearted girl who accepts anyone or anything for whom he, she, or it is. Except for rodents. The nasty-assed pests should be taunted and hunted ... because they frighten me.

 
At 6/07/2007 01:45:00 PM, Blogger MyUtopia said...

squirls can be entertaining, I don't know about cute

 
At 6/07/2007 05:05:00 PM, Blogger Dan said...

I second the BB gun quote! I personally hate them with a passion. They've destroyed many things in and around my house, so I have no love for them at all.

Case in point: they at one point in the life of my house chewed a hole through my soffits, made a home in my attic, crapped EVERYWHERE (stinking up the attic) and chewed through a few electrical lines.

Now, I say to you good people, are these animals cute? I think not! Keep those BB guns cocked!

 
At 6/07/2007 05:05:00 PM, Blogger David Amulet said...

I saw a definition in the Chamber's Dictionary, I think it was ... something like: Squirrel: A rat with good P.R.

-- david

 
At 6/07/2007 05:16:00 PM, Blogger Beth said...

MYUTOPIA: Yes, I guess they can be entertaining ... but they're still nasty.

DAN: Bravo! Now I remember why I once loved you amd still adore you.

DAVID AMULET: That's lovely.

 
At 6/07/2007 07:18:00 PM, Blogger Moxie said...

Carrie on "Sex and the City" had a similar line about squirrels: "A squirrel is just a rat with a cuter outfit."

My mom has the same feelings about squirrels. Years ago she had one punk her for an apple and to this day she's never quite gotten over it.

 
At 6/07/2007 10:28:00 PM, Blogger chelene said...

My mother had a squirrel in the basement of her house once. That little bastard tore up the woodwork around the window trying to get out. I've got no use for them.

 
At 6/07/2007 10:31:00 PM, Blogger chelene said...

Oh, I forgot...ammonia. Pest control told us that if you have a squirrel in the house put a rag soaked with ammonia into the room. Squirrels can't stand the smell and will vacate the premises.

 
At 6/08/2007 12:10:00 AM, Blogger mellowlee said...

Petcetera and other big pet stores must give you the creeps! All those plastic cages full of rodents trying to gnaw their way to freedom. Poor little fellers eh. Im told that in some countries, they consider cats to be like rodents.

 
At 6/08/2007 12:28:00 AM, Blogger Beth said...

MOXIE: I remember that line (and most of Carrie's) very well. But I found it too complimentary to squirrels.

CHELENE: I'm going to try ammonia around the birdhouses. You're brilliant!

MELLOWLEE: I always stay away from the rodent section; it definitely creeps me out. Cats may be considered rodents in other cultures ... but at least they have big, pretty eyes instead of those nasty beady ones. Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

 
At 6/08/2007 07:56:00 AM, Anonymous HollyC said...

You are right about the BB's, I am married to man with a BB gun with a scope on it. (strictly for this purpose, never shoots at birds). Occasionally he does actually hit one. And occasionally my dog does just catch one on the fly and consume it in a matter of seconds, sans ketchup...
But none of this occurs often enough to put a dent in the population.

 
At 6/08/2007 01:28:00 PM, Blogger Bubs said...

Kill them, eat them, use the fur and leave a couple of their carcasses on stakes in the yard as a warning to the others that you mean business.

The good Lord put us on top of the food chain for a reason.

 
At 6/09/2007 09:42:00 AM, Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...

"I'll slap those SLAPs down, boy."

Now that, is the quote of the week!

 
At 6/09/2007 09:52:00 AM, Blogger Dale said...

Death to the squirrel. Nutty rats.

 
At 6/09/2007 12:30:00 PM, Blogger Beth said...

HOLLYC: Remind me to tell you one day about the Coffey Redneck Christmas, with OM and brother patroling the patio with a BB gun, trying to scare off a white rat.

BUBS: Hell, yeah!

WRITE PROCRASTINATOR. I got a million of 'em; that's why you love me.

DALE: I knew you were one of us.

 
At 6/09/2007 06:37:00 PM, Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...

"I got a million of 'em; that's why you love me."

You got that right!

 
At 6/14/2007 12:48:00 PM, Blogger Artful Dodger said...

Now I'm convinced Squirrel's are pure evil!!! See article on Reuters.

http://today.reuters.com/news/articlenews.aspx?type=oddlyEnoughNews&storyid=2007-06-14T150030Z_01_L14321710_RTRUKOC_0_US-GERMANY-SQUIRREL.xml&src=nl_usoddlyenough

 
At 6/15/2007 09:47:00 AM, Blogger Beth said...

Evil little fur-bastards.

 

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