Drunk Squirrel in the Middle of the Yard

As you may remember, I hate squirrels. But even a cold-hearted hater can be charmed by a drunken rodent.



Stolen from the sometimes squirrelly, rarely drunk (and much adored) Crusher.

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Don’t Suck up to Squirrels

I’ve long considered Write Procrastinator my West Blog Coast doppelganger. We find humor and irritation in the same things, we love quoting R.E.M. lyrics, we write procrastinatedly, we think we’re a cup full o' fun.

But the boy let me down this week. Seems he thinks we should suck up to squirrels, flatter ‘em, tell ‘em they’re cute, so they won’t attack us. My buddy has caved to the pressures of the rodent lobby.

Let me make myself clear:

Squirrels are not cute.
They’re rats in thicker coats.

There are no cute rodents. Rats and mice, chipmunks and moles, gophers and squirrels: N-A-S-T-Y. Grant Miller’s recently deceased gerbil? Sorry to the grieving Millers, but it was vermin, too. They’re creepy and disgusting, with beady eyes and sharp, tiny teeth.

Prairie dogs are kind of cute, though. Morocco Mole’s a maybe … but Secret Squirrel will get nothing from me.

Don't waste time sucking up to dirty creatures so they’ll stay out of our birdhouses, away from our toes, off the roof. Just shoot ‘em. That’s what BB guns are for, right?

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